allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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