Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
