evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
