I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
