so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
