Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
