Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
