I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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