Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
