her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
