Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
