Screwed.edu
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
