dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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