is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
