i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
