I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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