Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
