she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
