Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
