What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
there is puke in my bra ... again
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