how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
