If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
