he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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