I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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