don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Is Oprah even human
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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