You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize