Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
