It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize