I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
