theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
