Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
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