His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
