I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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