Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
