You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
