my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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