The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
