you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
