Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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