I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
