just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
