she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
