I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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