You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
