You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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