I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
