If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
