I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
