is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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