Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
