She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
