How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize