Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
