Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
