I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
