thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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